I always dreamed of creating something magnificent. Something that people would lay their eyes on and marvel. a lighthouse draped so bright amongst the starscape of everyone else that no one could ignore it even if they wanted to. They wouldn’t want to though.
But magnificence and marvels and masterpieces require time and dedication and craft that I long since realized isn’t me. I can’t even look at this screen long enough to purge my thoughts out in one sitting, much less hone a skill to the level of attention. I know that, but it hasn’t stopped me from clinging to trying outshine the stars anyway even when it falls apart before the scaffolding is even in place over and over again.
My drafts folder has three beginnings of stories or poems or ramblings or something or other that have been eroding to the tides for well over a month. I’ll think about them all the time, losing the smallest bits and pieces to the waves until the the spark that brought it to life is doused out.
There’s a drawing tablet buried in three months worth of dust sitting on the desk next to me that I spent way too much money on five months ago. A folder on my desktop that has twenty three files that I can’t bring myself to delete even though they laugh like thunder barely visible on the horizon.
I’ve got a package of Origami Paper in the little keyboard drawer with four hundred and sixty three pages inside watched over by a clan of nine nuns, six butterflies, four cats in various poses, three ducks, two mice, a jumping frog, and twelve lost souls deformed by shaking fingers.
I don’t even want to think about all the outlines and first chapters sitting in my google docs.
I still pull out the jumping frog every so often though. His name is Gerald. Every time I try to see how many jumps it takes to get from one end of my desk to the other. I just took a break to see and it only took three this time! usually it’s at least five. maybe I’ll make him a friend to race with. I’ll name her Gertrude.
When I logged back into this account for the first time since January 1, 2021 I drew a new profile picture for myself using that tablet because I wanted something cute and fun and I’ve had the nickname “I love bread” or “Bread man” from my internet friends for so long I needed to finally tangibalize it somehow. I really love the way the smile and the eye highlights turned out.
And now this little rambling that I started three months ago with just “I used to dream about being important” is actually something. and I definitely am not important in the sense I meant when I wrote that beginning but I think this collection of words and phrases can be. If I got the point across in the way I wanted to, I mean. I might not have though I’m still pretty new to this whole writing thing. (I’ll leave it in the tags if I confused you just to be sure.)
I just ordered one of those glass dip pens with a bunch of colors of ink and a leather notebook with an owl on the cover. I’ve always loved owls, they look so silly. I think it’ll be fun for a bit, even if no one sees it. Maybe I’ll draw a starscape inside.